Every now and then you hear a song that makes you think, "Damn that's bad, really bad", which leads me to question: why is it that the worst of the bunch will stay with you for a lifetime whether you like it or not. Why is it, that, in the middle of the night, when you wake up to pee, some stupid melody or riff is playing out in your mind? Why, when you are stuck on Peach Street at 7:30 AM, is a bad melody surfacing to your lips so steadfast that you feel forced to whistle its awfulness?
Recently, a song has been stuck in my head, and all I want to do is get it surgically removed (the song, not my head). It is so bad that even after 20+ years, it still has me dumbfounded about it's dumbness. A song so bad, that I must spend a few short minutes dissecting it via blog.
So without further ado, I give you a study into one the worst songs of all time, that steamy pile of crap "All I wanna Do is Make Love to You" by the one and only Heart.
It pains me to tear this song apart, it really does. Ann and Nancy Wilson deserve a lifetime achievement award for 1976's Dreamboat Annie, more on that later...
Lets start with the video:
It gets me every time. A story about a young lady picking up a hitchhiker, never asking him his name, taking him to a hotel and banging the bejesus out of him. They used no protection and she gets pregnant. We find out later that her and her husband (someone she loves dearly) could not conceive without the seed of this nameless stranger, so it's all good.
Oh, but wait.... Then it happened one day, they came 'round the same way. Dude was shocked to see the resemblance and recognised this lovechild as his creation. So she begs him to be cool about it?
Now, I don't know about you, but this scenario is unrealistic in that most shitty dudes would be like "yeah, cool, c-ya", and walk away thinking "whew, I dodged that bullet". I mean, lets face it, if this guy was "standing by the road with no umbrella and no coat" in the rain, he was probably a winner, right? How did he get there? What is the back story?
And therein lies the problem. There are too many holes in this story.
If the whole thing was not weird enough already, Ann takes it one step further. In an effort to emphasize how good the lovemaking was, she claims "He brought the woman out of me, so many times, easily". Dude, that is just way too much information for a 1990's top 40 smash hit. And I love that she left him a note that said "we walked in the garden, we planted a tree". What the hell kind of innuendo is that anyway?
She is lucky that all she got was pregnant. They probably cut the HPV verse out of the song.
One more thing: Nancy wanking her guitar in the video, is funny shit.
On to the wic-wic-wiki.
No surprise here: Mutt Lang wrote this pitiful excuse for bim. Heart has since disowned it saying that it was too commercial, and they did not want to do it (but they probably didn't mind cashing the checks, nah-mean?).
Here's something interesting that was news to me: It is a cover song of another bad song, well sort of:
Turns out Mutt Lang wrote this duck for Don Henley in 1979, but Henley turned him down (gee, why?). So Dobie stepped up to the plate and knocked it out of the park. Proof that you can't shine a turd? Yes, I think so.
Mutt recovered from this fail nicely. He went on to record such classics as Back in Black, Pyromania and Foreigner 4. Still, his melody from the '70's lingered until he forced the Wilson sisters to re-record it with new lyrics. Whooptie-flippin-do.
All of this is great, but why has this song been wedged in Nago's head? It may be because of my Broseph, Base,who keeps sending me texts with lyrics to this gem. Here's how it usually goes:
- Go into office
- fire up e-mail
- check phone
- read messages
- first message says: Image his surprise, when he saw his own eyes.
- forward message to family
- move on with day
I just can't leave it on this note.... Here is "Crazy on You" to wash that crappy taste out of your mouth. Why can't this be stuck in my head in traffic?
Nago
All I wanna do is make nerds with you.
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