Cost of Yesterday

There is always a cost for everything we do (and don't do). People find misery in the past, and allow it to own their future. From time to time I allow myself to slip into my own past, and it's usually when I introvert the heaviest. I'm going to get back to working on that.

I had a friend tell me the reason she was so "fucked up" was because of the way she was raised. I honestly don't doubt that, even though she may be a little less "fucked up" than most people. Our basic behaviors are absolutely instilled very early on by the mentors charged with molding us. This is pretty basic stuff. I've hidden behind a wall of perception to the average Joe for many years. I don't spill my past to everyone, mostly because the people I deal with daily would never understand it, and think ill because if it. Honestly, to get caught up in doing that is looking for sympathy, which I am not. Personable, bright, funny, sarcastic, and driven are a few of the adjectives thrown onto me by people, and I like all of those traits about myself. To muddy opinions with tragedy is silly. The past is best left in the past. Or is It?

I have a very small degree of anonymity in this forum, and I am considering piecing together this strange, convoluted journey of mine from birth till parenthood. I started recently, although I did not intend to. Sometimes things will write themselves. I was not going to post it, but decided to say "fuck it," and throw caution to the wind.

Along the way, people may get hurt by my words. Some may dispute my timelines and details. The truth is I don't always remember the exact timeline on things, nor should I be expected to, as I was a child. Furthermore, I have always been faced with criticisms, so I don't really care. The stories are true, and that's what matters. The details are as I see them, and sometimes you just have to sing for the sake of the song.

I heard and repeated the word "obtuse" yesterday. Obtuse will have to be how I approach writing about bad stuff. Reckless may also be a good description.

Right now I am headed out for a much needed weekend with my family. I will be picking brains a bit while I am there, I am sure.

Nago